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+--- Thread: For those with inquiring minds: I survived the date (/showthread.php?tid=8930)
Re: For those with inquiring minds: I survived the date - dmann - 04-07-2006
PeterB- as I said, the faux pas were minor. Blowing his nose into his napkin that would have eliminated any chance for a 1st date- not offering to carry the bottles of wine is not in the same class IMHO.
michaelb- I find your comments very interesting. I can't think of one guy friend I have or guys I have dated that wouldn't have said "Here, let me take that from you." Mind you, I probably would have said, "Thanks for asking but I have it." Maybe I am just old fashioned in that regard.
As for opening the door, pouring wine- I don't think of them as RULES. I think of them as being attentive to the person you are with. When I poured myself a glass of wine, I asked if he wanted more as well. By the way, I did this twice. It would never have occurred to me to do anything else.
I definitely didn't make up my mind about him within 10 seconds but as the evening progressed I didn't really find myself dying to know more about him. I would definitely go out with him again if he asked but I won't be pursuing him this time.
Remember, I did initiate contact with him so I don't think I can be accused of not giving the guy a chance.
DM
Re: For those with inquiring minds: I survived the date - dmann - 04-07-2006
BTW- I don't exactly think I lit any fires for him either!!
DM
Re: For those with inquiring minds: I survived the date - Silencio - 04-07-2006
I hear ya on all points, Michaelb. However, I find it's more detrimental to "overthink" situations; it just stiffens you up and makes you more nervous and awkward, making the other party in turn feel uncomfortable. Be polite, but not overbearing or patronizing, and most people except for the most uptight will respond favorably -- and you don't want to spend time with those uptighties, anyway.
As for "I'm curious about this, because my female friends have told me that, within 10 seconds of seeing/meeting a guy, they've already decided whether or not they'll sleep with him": isn't the average guy's "hit it or quit it" threshold maybe, say, 1 second?
Re: For those with inquiring minds: I survived the date - PeterB - 04-07-2006
Silencio, that's sort of my point. We men are pretty much expected to jump the bones of anything female that's within distance, and has a pulse.
That's why I was surprised to hear from the female friends that they're so "yes or no" within such a short period of time-- I think to myself, "if you're so judgmental that you'd decide that within 10 seconds, then you might end up missing out on someone great, just because you decided not to sleep with him in those 10 seconds." And we men are accused of being superficial-- it is true, yes, we are definitely superficial in certain senses-- but not to the point where we would decide in 10 seconds whether or not we'd sleep with a woman. (And of course I truly hope that not all women are like this.) Does that make sense?
dmann, my point was only that-- everyone has these little "expectations"-- I just wouldn't include or exclude someone on the basis of these. To use your example-- sure, blowing your nose into a napkin is gross-- but again, to exclude someone from a date because of it, I don't think is maybe quite fair-- everyone has something gross they do, whether it's picking their nose, biting their fingernails, etc. Everyone has these little expectations they hold of how others should behave. My view: let go of the expectations. If someone doesn't do what you expect them to, maybe they just don't know any better? (It's one thing if they know what's typical and expected and just choose not to do it; it's another if they just aren't aware, and there's no intention to be rude.)
However, I should also add that I was raised in a relatively etiquette-free home... we did do what was generally thought of as considerate behavior, but not the formal, "Miss Manners" type of etiquette... I do realize that I'm not the mainstream in that regard.
Re: For those with inquiring minds: I survived the date - rz - 04-07-2006
geez, I'm glad I'm married. I don't remember dating being as hard or convoluted as y'all are making it out to be.
Re: For those with inquiring minds: I survived the date - spearmint - 04-07-2006
Good stuff. However a real man treasuring a woman and they all are, opens the door. Losing manners requires maiming.
Re: For those with inquiring minds: I survived the date - IronMac - 04-07-2006
I wasn't even aware that there was a date going on!!!
To my mind, those are social faux pax but I would put it down to lack of knowledge rather than lack of good graces. For me, opening doors, carrying packages and pouring at the table are behaviours that are second nature.
In any case, if there is no "spark", just move on.
Re: For those with inquiring minds: I survived the date - 3d - 04-07-2006
Re: Jumping into the cab before you.
Michaelb has it right. Many times i get into the backseat of a cab first so the girl i'm with doesn't have to climb in and scootch over. Especially if she is wearing high heels and/or a short skirt. They usually appreciate it. Letting the girl in first and then running around to the other side of the cab in NYC is not an option unless you want to get run over by a bike messenger.
It's like going through a revolvinng door first before the woman. I go ahead of her to push the door so it's easier for her.
There's nothing like that first shag (after a break) to get your confidence back into the dating scene. Good luck.
Re: For those with inquiring minds: I survived the date - 3d - 04-07-2006
Hey wait a second....
You're all so worried about these "social faux pases" that he did during the date. What about the VERY FIRST "social faux pas"? YOU contacted HIM first! haha
Ahhhh.. this was doomed to begin with. Better luck next time.
Re: For those with inquiring minds: I survived the date - dmann - 04-07-2006
Hey! I don't know how else I can say it- I am not using these issues as reasons to write him off. I am not creating a check list of wrongs that I will use to tally up my feelings for or against him. I WILL go out with him again IF he asked me.
FWIW- my life was a complete free for all growing up. Formality and true etiquette are not part of our world. I really don't think it is that big of a stretch for someone to ask his or her dinner partner if they would like more wine so it did strike me as strange that he did not do it even after I had done it previously.
To use PeterB's description, I think it is basic considerate behavior. I do this with my female friends, my family, etc. IMHO, it is not a matter of etiquette rather it is being attentive to the person you are with.
It is not like I expected him to take off his coat and lay it over a puddle in the sidewalk.
DM