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+--- Thread: Advice, please: Thinking about having 18 year-id niece Iive with us. (/showthread.php?tid=188057)
Advice, please: Thinking about having 18 year-id niece Iive with us. - anonymouse1 - 02-13-2016
Our niece is a good kid, but her parents are kind of out to lunch on what it means to be be a parent--they're not providing a lot of guidance or support. The parents are doing their best, but they both have issues that keep them from really being the kind of parents this kid deserves. She's reached out to us, and we want to help.
So far as we know, there's no history on her part of using drugs, acting out sexually, crime, or anything of concern like that. It's more that's she's kind of adrift, without a strong sense of self or a set of clear core values. That's what we're hoping to help her with.
She's asked to come live with us (me, Mrs. Anonymouse, and 8-year-old Anonymouselette). We have a spare bedroom, and we're close to public transportation. We're planning on giving her room and board in return for light housework (laundry, letterboxes, baby-sitting etc.). She'll also have to take at least one community-college course and have a part-time job, as part of the deal.
What we're less clear about is some of the hassles and difficulties of this kind of situation might entail. I know some of you have been in similar situations, so I'd be grateful if you could share your experience--what's worked, what hasn't worked, anything in particular to watch out for.
Our plan is to try it out for maybe 3 months, and assuming it works out, go on for a year to two more.
Thanks in advance!
Re: Advice, please: Thinking about having 18 year-id niece Iive with us. - space-time - 02-13-2016
what a nice gesture of you and your family! I can only admire what you're about to do, wish you good luck and looking forward to see a positive follow up at some point.
Sounds like you considered most issues, but what about health insurance? will her parents keep her on their policy? can she get her own health insurance once enrolled in community college?
Also make sure she does NOT driver any of your cars, or at least look into the car insurance issues.
Re: Advice, please: Thinking about having 18 year-id niece Iive with us. - PeterB - 02-13-2016
Agreed, a very nice thing of you and Mrs. Anonymouse to be doing.
I've never been in, or advised anyone about, that kind of a situation... but as a relative outsider, I might actually have a more objective view. Just throwing an idea out there (maybe a good idea, maybe not): how about actually going over with her all your concerns, terms, and conditions, and actually putting it all in writing, almost like a contract -- so that way, there can be no misunderstandings. You all could even make a bit of a good-natured joke out of it, but it's good for young adults to have things spelled out in that kind of way. Children and teens like having concrete structure, and your niece especially might benefit from that.
Re: Advice, please: Thinking about having 18 year-id niece Iive with us. - Speedy - 02-13-2016
Good luck.
Have a one year plan/lease. At one year, sit down with her and reassess for the next year.
Re: Advice, please: Thinking about having 18 year-id niece Iive with us. - jdc - 02-13-2016
Speedy wrote:
Good luck.
Have a one year plan/lease. At one year, sit down with her and reassess for the next year.
Im thinking the 90 days probation already mentioned -- with an "out in 8 hours no questions asked" kinda clause
Re: Advice, please: Thinking about having 18 year-id niece Iive with us. - mrbigstuff - 02-13-2016
I like Peter B.'s idea, actually. You could do it so its not akin to a business transaction, but more like a social contract.
Re: Advice, please: Thinking about having 18 year-id niece Iive with us. - The UnDoug - 02-13-2016
I'd be most concerned about the impact on my 8 year old child. In part about the influence the 18 year old would have, and in part about the way it would impact my relationship with the 8 year old.
You've presumably never parented a teen (nor have I), so it'd sort of be trial by fire. An 8 year old is a very different person from an 18 year old.
Best of luck, whatever you do!
Re: Advice, please: Thinking about having 18 year-id niece Iive with us. - Dennis S - 02-13-2016
My parents took in my mom's brother, who is 4 years older than me, when I was in junior high. They already had 4 kids in the house. He had flunked 2 years of school in Dallas. We were in a small town in Arkansas. He finished 3 grades here and went on to get two degrees and is a huge success. It was great for all of us.
Re: Advice, please: Thinking about having 18 year-id niece Iive with us. - OWC Jamie - 02-13-2016
Two Summers ago my niece's step-daughter went thru a "screw your rules and I'm running wild just to piss you off "phase" and my S-I-L offered to let her stay there. Not discussing it with her daughter of course. Or my brother. Who of course got put in the unenviable position of having to lay out that there were going to be rules Like them or not. Oh the drama !
Everything did wash out though.
Re: Advice, please: Thinking about having 18 year-id niece Iive with us. - Rick-o - 02-13-2016
Very gracious of you! Kudos! (tu)
Some good advice here, but no one has mentioned anything about what happens legally if you decide it isn't working out and you want her to leave. If you're trading room and board for chores around the house, I would think if things went South, you would have to evict her like any other tenant. She may be able to stay with you for months beyond what you would like.
I'm no attorney, so I'm just spit balling here, but I would definitely look into that aspect if I were to do something similar.