+- MacResource (https://forums.macresource.com)
+-- Forum: My Category (https://forums.macresource.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=1)
+--- Forum: Tips and Deals (https://forums.macresource.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=3)
+--- Thread: A little advice, please (/showthread.php?tid=199893)
Pages:
1
2
A little advice, please - anonymouse1 - 01-01-2017
My wife and I are working on discipline issues for our nine-year-old daughter, who sometimes acts rudely (calling names, shrieking when it's not appropriate, hitting when she's angriest, etc.). The issue is finding punishments that we can give her immediately, as opposed to the "you don't get any screen time this weekend" variety (we don't allow screen time on school days).
We don't do spanking, so that's out. Any suggestions?
Thanks!
Re: A little advice, please - Ombligo - 01-01-2017
For immediacy the options are limited.. possibly straight time-out. Empty room (not her bedroom), no stimuli, applied progressively - ist time 30 minutes, second time in a week - 1 hour, 3rd time in a month - 2 hours. If she makes it clean to the next level, everything resets.
ADDEDUM -- whatever you do be consistent. What is unacceptable today has to be unacceptable tomorrow. What you won't accept, you're wife must not, and vice versa. That is extremely important, especially early on. You're daughter must know what you will accept, and what is not going to be tolerated. She cannot be guessing. Let her know upfront what the rules are and what the consequences will be.
In classrooms, teachers learn fast that you have to be firm and no-nonsense on day one. Once you have the upper hand and the kids know what is expected, you can back off a bit. If they go too far, you can easily reestablish control based on the original rules. It doesn't work the other way.
Re: A little advice, please - raz - 01-01-2017
IIRC, the rule of thumb was 1 minute per year old. But mine was over a decade ago.
Re: A little advice, please - rz - 01-01-2017
Wish I could help. We have an 8 year old boy who is mostly well behaved. But we've "conditioned" him all through his life. He rarely acts up in public. All his life, we've instantly corrected his bad behavior. We've never spanked him either. Usually all we need to do is start counting to 3, and it stops.
Re: A little advice, please - PeterB - 01-01-2017
Big disclaimer: no parenting experience here (though I have friends with children that age).
This being said, I agree with what Ombligo has said, and would add:
1) Consider denying positive reinforcement rather than administering negative reinforcement. Meaning if she has a favorite toy, favorite activity, whatever, she doesn't get to do it if she misbehaves. This can be done immediately as the situation warrants -- for example if she is misbehaving or takes liberties while doing some particular activity, she no longer gets to do that activity.
2) Time-outs can be effective but I think the child really needs to understand both the cause-effect relationship and the specific reason/rationale for why the time-out is being given... that's not always the case, from what I've observed
3) More advice here, much of which is consistent with what Ombligo and I have said: https://www.verywell.com/effective-discipline-for-9-year-olds-1094846
Re: A little advice, please - Pam - 01-01-2017
I kept hearing that this stuff started in the teen years. Phfftt. My daughter started at 9. The good news is by the teen years she was fine. Well mostly. So take heart that it can get much better rather than worse.
The best, but hardest thing is to not get mad, don't engage. Walk away. Speak quietly when you do. Anything else will escalate the situation. I didn't find any kind of punishment that worked. What did work was rewarding good behavior. Just out of the blue, several times a day, reward for being relaxed. Pleasant. And have loads of patience.
To some extent the kids have trouble with self control. Hormones are already building. There is stress at school and with friends. It's hard at that age to find a way to deal with it all. Physical activity is always a help.
Re: A little advice, please - GuyGene - 01-01-2017
"We don't do spankings." No wonder. I'm about sick of all this panty waist mess these days. No offense meant personally.:RollingEyesSmiley5:
Re: A little advice, please - Onamuji - 01-01-2017
I was able to quiet down my young nephews when they got hyper and started tearing things up by simply crossing my arms to show that I was unhappy with their behavior and then quietly turning my back to them.
Generally took about 2 minutes before they'd calm down and apologize.
Re: A little advice, please - rgG - 01-02-2017
GuyGene wrote:
"We don't do spankings." No wonder. I'm about sick of all this panty waist mess these days. No offense meant personally.:RollingEyesSmiley5:
I was spanked as a child. Actually whipped with a belt. That was over fifty years ago and thoughts on that sort of thing were different, but I decided long before I ever had a child that I would never do that to my child. Violence, and whipping/spanking a child is a violent act, is not the best way to discipline. My mom used to say that it hurt her more than me, when she whipped me. If it is that painful for everyone involved, it pobably isn't a good thing. Let me also say, I was not a problem child. If you hit a child as discipline, how to you teach them that hitting someone else is wrong?
My child is now 25 and was never spanked. She was denied privileges or toys or grounded or talked to in a very stern voice, but we never hit her. The only time she was slapped, on the hand, was by my mother, and only once. It was in a store and it was an instinctive act by my mom. It hurt my daughter's feelings so much more than it did her hand and my mom was so regretful she did it afterwards. My daughter was about 4 or 5, I think, and she still remembers it.
Re: A little advice, please - IronMac - 01-02-2017
Disciplined with a bamboo switch and never forgot it.
All of the children have at least one undergrad if not masters and no one has a criminal record, juvi or otherwise. Do your best, if you fail you fail but try. Be respectful and dutiful. Family comes first.