when to discuss race with your child

[Racer X]

statements of fact don't need to be construed as hurtful. I am adopted, and have every reason to believe that my biological mom and dad weren't married. That makes me a bastard. Statement of fact. I choose to decide if the fact is hurtful or not, and I choose not.

[Seacrest]

I don't think that's an "incident."
That's just a kid being curious about the world.
You might want to teach her that pointing out a person's particular characteristics in their presence is not always welcomed, but I wouldn't make a big deal about the "race" aspect of it, nor scold her for it.

IMO, an "incident" would be when there was some obvious act of overt racism that affected someone close to her, or occurred in her presence.
You'll have that opportunity soon enough -- no need to push it.

[josntme]

I remember my first child telling a neighbor "your breath stinks". My wife didn't know what to do and apologized for the kids comment. My statement was "kids tell the unvarnished truth". Your daughter did the same and there should not be a concern here. She'll learn soon enough that some things go unsaid.

[$tevie]

bazookaman wrote:
ok. this is what happened. My wife and daughter were at the grocery store and went to the bakery to get her a cookie. As the lady (an african american woman) walked away, my daughter said "thats a black one". Now if an adult said that it would be mightily offensive. But she was just stating a fact. She would have said, "thats a blue one" with the same amount of innocence had the person been blue. But we realized that she can't go around saying that b/c it may be hurtful regardless of her age. But i just don't know how to explain that to a 2 1/2 year old so she can grasp it. All her little friends are caucasian so she was just pointing out a difference in her mind (I suppose).

I'm not sure how a child stating the obvious could be hurtful. I wouldn't know how one could say don't talk about it in public without giving the impression that being Black is somehow unmentionable. Now when my sister was a very little girl, she asked a man on the bus behind her if he was "burnt". He accepted it as the confusion of a little girl who at that point in her life was rarely exposed to people of color. Non-white people were barely even seen on TV back then! He told her that he was a Negro (that's how old this story is) and then later on my parents explained that people are different colors depending on where their ancestors came from and that lots of people look like that man did.

[Mike Sellers]

My kids just turned 17 and we've never had a discussion on race. Since they've grown up around people of all ethnicities, it hasn't been an issue and my wife and I never wanted to draw attention to it and make it an issue.

[iaJim]

I would only discuss color when the discussion does happen. I don't think race is very appropriate. We are all part of the human race. Some of us are lighter, some darker etc.

[mikebw]

This was never a topic of discussion for me as a kid because I grew up with a great diversity of other kids, never really seemed unusual to see a "black one" or anything else to me.

[decay]

i'm just surprised she didn't say "brown" instead of "black."

you know what Art Linkletter said.

at least it was not mean or condescending, simply a descriptor.

[sekker]

I would engage the conversation around the idea that we humans have a range of amazing differences - and that those differences are normal. Skin color, height, weight, strength, musical ability, etc.

A good place to start could be with a sports contest - an NFL football game shows an amazing range of diversity alone, from 350 lb linemen to 150 lb wide receivers.

All depends on your personal taste, of course.

But my experience - my oldest is 14 - is that you should start the conversation as early as possible. Otherwise, the kids will be learning from others - and first - from their playmates, friends, television, etc.

Sesame St has some good education on this broader topic.

[dohc76]

iaJim wrote:
I would only discuss color when the discussion does happen. I don't think race is very appropriate. We are all part of the human race. Some of us are lighter, some darker etc.

I agree, I cannot stand the fact that the world calls this by this name "race", we are all part of the human race. I wish the media would figure this out and start to educate the masses but alas I doubt it will ever happen. We are stuck with a term that is wrong in describing this. Ethnicity is closer but not perfect in my opinion. And some day hopefully it won't cause the issues it has...