10-04-2017, 06:38 PM
'25 Things You Don’t Know About Melania Trump'
Here is Maher’s entire made-up list for the FLOTUS:
1. In Slovenia, I was a catalog model, which is what you call a model you order out of the catalog.
2. I’m the only First Lady to ever wear sunglasses to a hurricane.
3. I can crush walnuts with my cheekbones.
4. I have no first language.
5. I spent two years in a vault at Deutsche Bank when Donald defaulted on a loan.
6. In order to speed things up, I let him call me Ivanka.
7. I hope I inspire little girls everywhere to marry for money.
8. As a model, I threw up after meals. Now I just throw up after sex.
9. The first thing that attracted me to Donald was the bulge in his pants. His wallet.
10. I once played Scrabble against Eric and the final score was 3 to 2.
11. Every time I look at my husband I’m reminded of the Slovenian national dish, a fat greasy sausage filled with cheese.
12. Every year I send a thank-you note to the family of the man who invented golf.
13. The biggest thing I miss about New York is being hundreds of miles away from my husband.
14. I once caught Mike Pence trying on my stilettos.
15. I feel I share a bond with the thousands of American women who have also slapped Donald’s hand away.
16. I don’t mind visiting poor people, but poor and wet people is a bit much.
17. My Secret Service code name is “That Poor, Poor Woman.”
18. I copied this list from Michelle Obama.
19. Growing up in Slovenia, I had a pet cat named “Delicious.”
20. I’ve always been attracted to rich, powerful, older men who eat Kentucky Fried Chicken that might bring on an early death.
21. Sometimes when I bounce light off my diamond, Donald’s hair will chase it like a cat.
22. Closing your eyes and picturing Ryan Gosling works better than you’d think.
23. I wish I knew why I was having a recurring dream I’m pinned beneath a giant orange sack of s—.
24. Economically, I Hope Every Last Person can Make Enough money.
25. If I could tell my younger self just one thing it would be this: if you catch a leprechaun and he gives you a wish, be more specific.