08-10-2019, 12:10 AM
People,
i have held off on saying anything, but some of the comments some have made makes me consider the reasons Mavis has been acting as she has. Some of the things that GeneL has said strike a chord with me and my current situation: my mom is 81 years old, and Mom has acted much as Mavis has been acting. I have considered for a while just keeping quiet, but I feel I have to put my suppositions out there. Perhaps it will help; if it doesn't, disregard what I say.
First, the acknowledgements and/or disclaimers: I am not a medical doctor; I am not a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or a minister, nor have I had any professional job that may bring me any insight into what is happening. I am only going with what I have personally observed in my life, what I have found out through asking those I have determined may actually know something, AND what GeneL has said to us. I have family members who have had to deal with long term care for incapacitated children, as well as what I found out while caring for my father as he succumbed to lung cancer. I certainly don't know everything, and I may be totally full of shite and know nothing at all (most likely). I do not know GeneL nor Mavis. I am NOT a lawyer (never wanted to play one either). I have had to learn to be my mom's advocate as she navigates through her sunset years. My apologies if I step on anyone's toes here.
Here goes.
Mavis is 88 years old. She was born in a time where women didn't question what they were told; women were kept as close to child-like as possible, as their brains could not conceive nor process the harsher realities of life. I'm only saying this to remind those of us who may not have considered the ramifications of this. Good girls did as they were told; good girls behaved in certain ways; morally upright women are of a certain caliber, a certain way of thinking... The whole thing makes me want to scream. Mavis has always believed, deep down and unassailably, that others would be able to take care of her when she can no longer care for herself. There were things women were expected to be able to handle unsupervised, and the rest were things for men to take care of. Imagine what it would be like, to have lived your life with this imprinted on you, and then to suddenly have your life (your reality, actually) taken away from you! No wonder she's terrified. The support network of her family has decided to take a step into this, and now Mavis has to choose between the man she loves and who has been having health problems, and her family. The result of everything that Mavis has been taught throughout her life is that she will have to cling to the stronger of the two. At this time it appears that it is the family.
I am of two minds about the daughter. I can tell a bit from what we have already been told. Mavis has some money that can be used as Mavis continues to age and starts needing more care, more care than what the family can reasonably provide. That money can easily go to GeneL and his care if Mavis decides; after all, it is her money. So the daughter can be concerned that this is what is happening OR the daughter can be a money-grubbing so and so (I can't print what I am currently thinking) and she wants to ensure that HER share of the inheritance remains intact. The threat of Mavis not able to see her children, grandchildren, or great-grandchildren is heavy handed and designed to force Mavis to do what the daughter wants. I don't know if it is really the daughter, or someone else, but apparently they feel that such heavy handedness is necessary to either protect Mavis, or protect their own interests. Personally, it looks like their own interests.
If this was Oklahoma, and not California, I could tell you that the daughter has very little on her side. Mavis has not been diagnosed as having dementia (or any form of it); I can tell you that a brain scan can detect forms of dementia, as those forms involve physical changes to the brain that show up on said scans. As far as I know, a diagnostic brain scan for dementia or Alzheimers or any of the various other disease processes that mimic dementia has NOT been determined, much less in common use in geriatric patients. Anyway you consider a scan, it will involve comparing a previous scan with the new one, or (heaven forbid) comparing a current scan with a "representative" scan given her age. This may be what the daughter was aiming at during the "panic attack, wow, we need to scan mom's brain" thing. Or not. I don't know anything for sure. I do know that panic attacks don't equate to having to have one's brain scanned. Potential stroke? yeah.
As long as Mavis is of sound mind, can take care of herself in ordinary things, and remains cognizant of what is going on around her there is little the daughter, her husband, or anyone else can do. Unless and until Mavis is adjudged incompetent then this messy fight will continue. Make no mistake here, Mavis is a victim, and she is being terrorized by one person she probably never thought would do such a thing to her. She needs protection, and quickly before something irrevocable happens (such as signing away her rights and giving her daughter power of attorney over her).
Keep in mind that as people age, they become more child-like. This is an expected behavior of EVERYONE. As Mavis ages, she will also become more child-like; she needs help NOW to prevent anyone from taking advantage of her. Mavis doesn't fully know and may never fully know her own mind, and it is becoming easier for people to suggest to her things that may not be in her best interest. SCARED PEOPLE CAN'T THINK, and if she has been assaulted for enough time she will give up in exhaustion.
This is what I'm saying here: Mavis is an adult, of sound mind. She has the right to do what she wants, where she wants, when she wants, and how she wants, within the laws of this land, and NO ONE has the right to take it away from her.
GeneL, talk to a lawyer. The more I think about this situation, the more it begins to sound like this situation can easily begin to fall into elder abuse, especially if Mavis is as terrified as you have been describing. YOU have rights as well. Don't let someone else take way Mavis's rights (or yours) without damn good reason. The fact that Mavis cannot (or will not) stand up for herself, isn't good enough. Mavis needs an advocate (so do you, bucko!). Find one!
Good luck.
In case you missed it, go back and read the disclaimer above. Also, in case you are wondering, dear reader, I currently have medical power of attorney for Mom. It ONLY will be and can be invoked when or if Mom becomes incapacitated. Mom was terrified that the medical POA meant that I have complete control over her life, and that is just not so. Mom was also quite afraid that it meant that I could have her committed, and again, that cannot happen. The only thing it does is gives me control if/when Mom can't make decisions for herself, and will only make it easier for me to do what Mom wants if she can't do it for herself or be able to tell someone else what she wants.
I hope that all I have said concerning Mavis and GeneL is garbage, and if it is, please discard it, call me an idiot, and get on with your life. If it illuminates anything, then I have done my job.
Diana
i have held off on saying anything, but some of the comments some have made makes me consider the reasons Mavis has been acting as she has. Some of the things that GeneL has said strike a chord with me and my current situation: my mom is 81 years old, and Mom has acted much as Mavis has been acting. I have considered for a while just keeping quiet, but I feel I have to put my suppositions out there. Perhaps it will help; if it doesn't, disregard what I say.
First, the acknowledgements and/or disclaimers: I am not a medical doctor; I am not a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or a minister, nor have I had any professional job that may bring me any insight into what is happening. I am only going with what I have personally observed in my life, what I have found out through asking those I have determined may actually know something, AND what GeneL has said to us. I have family members who have had to deal with long term care for incapacitated children, as well as what I found out while caring for my father as he succumbed to lung cancer. I certainly don't know everything, and I may be totally full of shite and know nothing at all (most likely). I do not know GeneL nor Mavis. I am NOT a lawyer (never wanted to play one either). I have had to learn to be my mom's advocate as she navigates through her sunset years. My apologies if I step on anyone's toes here.
Here goes.
Mavis is 88 years old. She was born in a time where women didn't question what they were told; women were kept as close to child-like as possible, as their brains could not conceive nor process the harsher realities of life. I'm only saying this to remind those of us who may not have considered the ramifications of this. Good girls did as they were told; good girls behaved in certain ways; morally upright women are of a certain caliber, a certain way of thinking... The whole thing makes me want to scream. Mavis has always believed, deep down and unassailably, that others would be able to take care of her when she can no longer care for herself. There were things women were expected to be able to handle unsupervised, and the rest were things for men to take care of. Imagine what it would be like, to have lived your life with this imprinted on you, and then to suddenly have your life (your reality, actually) taken away from you! No wonder she's terrified. The support network of her family has decided to take a step into this, and now Mavis has to choose between the man she loves and who has been having health problems, and her family. The result of everything that Mavis has been taught throughout her life is that she will have to cling to the stronger of the two. At this time it appears that it is the family.
I am of two minds about the daughter. I can tell a bit from what we have already been told. Mavis has some money that can be used as Mavis continues to age and starts needing more care, more care than what the family can reasonably provide. That money can easily go to GeneL and his care if Mavis decides; after all, it is her money. So the daughter can be concerned that this is what is happening OR the daughter can be a money-grubbing so and so (I can't print what I am currently thinking) and she wants to ensure that HER share of the inheritance remains intact. The threat of Mavis not able to see her children, grandchildren, or great-grandchildren is heavy handed and designed to force Mavis to do what the daughter wants. I don't know if it is really the daughter, or someone else, but apparently they feel that such heavy handedness is necessary to either protect Mavis, or protect their own interests. Personally, it looks like their own interests.
If this was Oklahoma, and not California, I could tell you that the daughter has very little on her side. Mavis has not been diagnosed as having dementia (or any form of it); I can tell you that a brain scan can detect forms of dementia, as those forms involve physical changes to the brain that show up on said scans. As far as I know, a diagnostic brain scan for dementia or Alzheimers or any of the various other disease processes that mimic dementia has NOT been determined, much less in common use in geriatric patients. Anyway you consider a scan, it will involve comparing a previous scan with the new one, or (heaven forbid) comparing a current scan with a "representative" scan given her age. This may be what the daughter was aiming at during the "panic attack, wow, we need to scan mom's brain" thing. Or not. I don't know anything for sure. I do know that panic attacks don't equate to having to have one's brain scanned. Potential stroke? yeah.
As long as Mavis is of sound mind, can take care of herself in ordinary things, and remains cognizant of what is going on around her there is little the daughter, her husband, or anyone else can do. Unless and until Mavis is adjudged incompetent then this messy fight will continue. Make no mistake here, Mavis is a victim, and she is being terrorized by one person she probably never thought would do such a thing to her. She needs protection, and quickly before something irrevocable happens (such as signing away her rights and giving her daughter power of attorney over her).
Keep in mind that as people age, they become more child-like. This is an expected behavior of EVERYONE. As Mavis ages, she will also become more child-like; she needs help NOW to prevent anyone from taking advantage of her. Mavis doesn't fully know and may never fully know her own mind, and it is becoming easier for people to suggest to her things that may not be in her best interest. SCARED PEOPLE CAN'T THINK, and if she has been assaulted for enough time she will give up in exhaustion.
This is what I'm saying here: Mavis is an adult, of sound mind. She has the right to do what she wants, where she wants, when she wants, and how she wants, within the laws of this land, and NO ONE has the right to take it away from her.
GeneL, talk to a lawyer. The more I think about this situation, the more it begins to sound like this situation can easily begin to fall into elder abuse, especially if Mavis is as terrified as you have been describing. YOU have rights as well. Don't let someone else take way Mavis's rights (or yours) without damn good reason. The fact that Mavis cannot (or will not) stand up for herself, isn't good enough. Mavis needs an advocate (so do you, bucko!). Find one!
Good luck.
In case you missed it, go back and read the disclaimer above. Also, in case you are wondering, dear reader, I currently have medical power of attorney for Mom. It ONLY will be and can be invoked when or if Mom becomes incapacitated. Mom was terrified that the medical POA meant that I have complete control over her life, and that is just not so. Mom was also quite afraid that it meant that I could have her committed, and again, that cannot happen. The only thing it does is gives me control if/when Mom can't make decisions for herself, and will only make it easier for me to do what Mom wants if she can't do it for herself or be able to tell someone else what she wants.
I hope that all I have said concerning Mavis and GeneL is garbage, and if it is, please discard it, call me an idiot, and get on with your life. If it illuminates anything, then I have done my job.
Diana