Buckeyes vs. GATORS!

[the_poochies]

BuckeyeSean, I am certainly no fan of Miami and Michigan.

This imaginary recruiting battle between Tressel and LLLoyd that was posted earlier this year always makes me laugh:

Greetings

Tressel: “I’m Jim Tressel. That’s an Escalade in your aunt’s name. Can I come in? ”

Carr: “Hi, Carr here. Don’t look so happy. You’re a second closer to death, you know. Jesus, same sh*t, different day…”

First gestures.

Tressel: Extends oddly warm, soft hand to parent. Palms fresh Benjamin with youth minister’s smile into parent’s grasp.

Carr: Barges through door, starts rummaging through kitchen cabinets while grumbling inaudibly.

Items carried in pocket.

Tressel:Lollipops. Unmarked bills. Keys to cars he doesn’t own. A gun. Spare clip-on tie.

Carr: Wallet. Keys to car he owns. Twenty-eight dollars. A packet of McWhorter’s “Essential Vitamins for the Bitter and Grizzled.”

The pitch.

Tressel: “Buckeye means championships. Buckeyes means excellence. Buckeyes means wiping with twenties and farting hundreds, Billy, and waking up every day up to your eyeballs in gold bullion and pussy. It’s kind of like being god, Billy, except you can wear pants and smoke weed on campus. Not even God can do that, as far as I know. God also didn’t just put a little something in the candy dish on the table. Neither did Jim Tressel, as far as you know…but he’d be happy for you to count it all. ”

Carr: “Tressel been by? Sh*t, that’s nice. Real f***ing nice. You got any scotch?”

Length of visit:

Tressel:Three and a half hours

Carr: Thirteen minutes, plus bathroom break. (Unless CSI Miami’s on. Little known fact: Lloyd Carr loves David Caruso.)

Carr’s favorite actor. Loved him in Jade.

Farewell

Tressel: “Thank you for having me in your home, and taking the time to meet with me today. It’s an important decision, and not an easy one. Perhaps sitting in the front seat of this brand new BMW Z4 roadster will help you clear your mind…”

Carr: It's been nice, real nice. Say anything about this to that pansy Tressel and I’ll burn down your house. Michigan rules, Ohio State sucks, and if you wanna play for a real man, come talk to me. I’ll be at the Applebee’s down the street laying waste to a plate of jalapeno poppers when you’re ready. Jesus frickin’ Christ, these people…”