Friday Funnies

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Microsoft Employees Holding A Funeral For The iPhone Following The "Success" Of Their Windows Phone

[voodoopenguin]

Paul

[ztirffritz]

A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lot of sugary and greasy foods?"

"No, sir! I carefully watch my diet and caloric intake, and I'm sure to eat plenty of vegetables."

"Do you go to parties? Stay up late? Are you sexually promiscuous?"

"Not at all! Early to bed and early to rise! And abstinence is key."

The doctor raises an eyebrow at the man. "So... Why exactly do you want to live to be a hundred?"

[DP]

Just burned two hundred calories. That's the last time I leave the brownies in the oven while I nap.

I'm addicted to brake fluid. But I can stop when I want.

Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

When I interviewed for a job I was told the starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000. I said, OK, I'll start then.

I never dreamed I'd ever go up to a bank teller with a mask on and ask for money.

Child: Grandma said in her day she did three times the work you do today.
Mom: In Grandma's day they put cocaine in the sodas.

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[Filliam H. Muffman]

This might be a good Geico commercial if they hadn't already used the pipes.

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[Rick-o]